The Meadow Scene - Part One

WHY!!?? WHY!!?? WHY!!??

Thirteen. An unlucky number. An unholy number. A number so universally dreaded that building architects will purposely omit a thirteenth floor in order to avoid frightening superstitious tenants. How fitting, then, that arguably the most infamous scene of the Twilight series should take place in chapter thirteen. We all knew that it would come to this. I knew it when I started this blog, but it seemed like such a far off thing when I first decided to give that rank amateur, Stephanie Meyer, the verbal beating she deserves.

The scene on which the entire series was based, the very wet dream that first inspired Meyer to raise the romance genre to new heights of mediocrity and butcher the poor vampire in the process. This chapter is the distilled essence of the entire series, and I do not expect to complete this one with my sanity fully intact. Let's move on, then, and get this over with as quickly (if not painlessly) as possible.

Sanity Meter: 100%

The chapter begins with, what else, a description of Edward.

Edward in the sunlight was shocking.


If he were a real vampire, Edward in the sunlight would be burning. If only that were true.

His skin white despite the faint flush from yesterday's hunting trip ...


This has been bothering me for a while. Bella constantly describes the Cullens as pale, and here she describes Edward's skin as white. Not Caucasian white, but pale white. Doesn't anyone ever comment on this? I wonder if all those people who turn their heads and stare at Edward are actually stunned by his supposed beauty, as Bella believes, or if they're simply wondering if the guy is either wearing makeup or has a skin condition.

... literally sparkled, like thousands of tiny diamonds were embedded in the surface.


I knew a guy who sparkled once. He wasn't a vampire, he was just gay and liked to wear body glitter.

And so we finally come to this, the moment that began the wussification of the vampires, turning them from mysterious creatures of the night to sparkling pussies who fit better in a Rainbow Brite cartoon than a crypt. Goodbye classic lords of darkness such as Dracula, the underground societies of Vampire: The Masquerade, dashing rogues such as Lestat, tortured heroes such as Angel, and diabolical anti-heroes such as Kain. Make way for this new breed of highly pretentious vampire that sparkles like Tinkerbell and replaces a genuine personality with whining and brooding in a failed attempt to make themselves look "deep."

He lay perfectly still in the grass, his shirt open over his sculpted, incandescent chest, his scintillating arms bare. His glistening, pale lavender lids were shut, though of course he didn't sleep. A perfect statue, carved in some unknown stone, smooth like marble, glittering like crystal.


AAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRHHHHHHHGGGGGGG!!!

Sanity Meter: 87%

WHAT THE FUCK WHAT THE FUCK WHAT THE FUCK OH MY GOD WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS GARBAGE I AM READING? I'M BLIND! MY EYES BURN! ALL I CAN SEE IS PURPLE! (+1 Purple Prose)

And one more. (+1 Eye Sex)

Meyer really fucks the thesaurus here, throwing in as many synonyms for "sparkling" as possible. Let's look at the two worst offenders, shall we?

His chest is described as incandescent. So Edward's chest is either glowing with a bright light and producing intense heat or is simply "OMG IT HURTS MY EYES!" bright. "Incandescent" relates to a bright, brilliant light, not sparkling. The word isn't even a synonym for "sparkling," so I'm not sure where she got it.(+1 Thesaurus Rape)

Next we have Edward's arms, which are described as scintillating. Wow! Not only is Edward's chest emitting a bright light, his arms are witty as well! (Note: A reader cited an entry in a dictionary I had not consulted that contradicts this point. Therefore, the Thesaurus Rape point has been revoked)

Now and then, his lips would move, so fast it looked like they were trembling. But, when I asked, he told me he was singing to himself; it was too low for me to hear.


There are two ways I can take this. Either he is singing in an extremely low volume, or Edward Cullen is an elephant. Given just how far Meyer is willing to go to make Edward super special awesome, I wouldn't put it past her to say that Edward is producing infrasound. The speed at which his lips move indicate that he is "singing" at a speed that would be incomprehensible to humans. In other words, Meyer is once again hinting, with all the subtlety of an anvil to the face, that Edward is oh so special. He can produce and perceive infrasound, and he can sing really fast! Color me impressed. Wait, did I say impressed? I meant bored. This is just more blah blah, Edward is awesome, blah blah. It's getting really old. (+1 Stupidity)

You know what? I'm going to give Meyer the benefit of the doubt and try to assume that she meant he was singing in a really low volume, which is still dumb since their close proximity would mean that he'd essentially have to be making no sound for it not to be audible.

Bella pulls her finger out of Edward's sparkly ass long enough to spend a paragraph describing the sun and the air, and this reprieve from this literary ejaculation is all too short. Faster than you can say vampire dildo she's back to describing Edward.

The meadow, so spectacular to me at first, paled next to his magnificence.


You know what's funny? Back in chapter one Bella said that she was not verbose. Boy did she make a liar out of herself!

What follows has to be one of the most awkward and poorly structured sentences I have ever read.

Hesitantly, always afraid, even now, that he would disappear like a mirage, too beautiful to be real ... hesitantly, I reached out one finger and stroked the back of his shimmering hand, where it lay within my reach.


Suddenly, it appears, even now, that Stephenie Meyer has, for one brief moment ... suddenly, she started sounding like William Shatner.

She goes on like this for the rest of the paragraph, which leaves me to wonder if she was typing this part with one hand ... and I just grossed myself out. DAMN MY IMAGINATION! (+1 Purple Prose)

Edward asks Bella if he scares her. She says no and he smiles.

He smiled wider; his teeth flashed in the sun.


MY EYES! MY EYES!!!

After that she starts tracing her fingers over his "perfect" arm and ... alright, that does it. I am going to count how many times the word "perfect" is used in this chapter.

*Goes back and reads*

I count four so far, and we're only at the beginning of the chapter. This, of course, isn't even counting all the synonyms for "perfect" and the allusions to perfection that she's also used. I don't even want to add all of those up. Damn. The Borg waste their time assimilating entire species in order to find perfection when if they only took Edward Cullen they would be ascended to the level of demi-gods. We get it, Meyer, Edward is perfect. Can we PLEASE move on and have your ZOMG PERFECT little sparklepire actually DO SOMETHING? So far he's just lying there and we're getting pages of exposition out of THAT? (+1 Eye Sex)

DO SOMETHING!

DO SOMETHING!



Edward does something ... sort of. He moves his hand so that it faces palm up, but he does it with super special awesome sparklepire speed! Meyer uses the SUPA KEWL sparklepire effects so often it's like watching a Michael Bay movie. Bella fondles his hand (I am not kidding) and Edward asks what she's thinking.

Blah blah, Bella says she can't believe he's actually real, blah, blah, they talk about how scary he is, blah blah. I'm sorry, but I find it a little hard to find a guy who SPARKLES IN THE SUN to be the least bit intimidating.

Edward sits up ... WITH SPARKLEPIRE SPEED!

More clumsy prose about Edward's angelic face and his mesmerizing eyes. (+1 Eye Sex)

Edward asks what about him scares Bella. This guy is seriously starting to sound like a broken MP3.

Edward: Do I scare you? Are you afraid of me? I'm frightening, you know. Have I asked you within the last ten seconds if I scare you? I lost track.

Eddy, darling, if you ever were threatening that ship sailed the moment you turned into a human disco ball. I don't care how many superpowers you have. You could be kicking my ass this very instant and, rather than fear, the only thing I'd feel is deep, burning shame at being beat up by a care bear.

Also, does this guy get off on girls telling him he scares them? Maybe that's why he resorts to stalking and breaking into houses instead of asking for a date like a normal person. Bella tries to answer his question, but then she smells his breath and spends a paragraph describing how awesome it is. JESUS CHRIST ON A POGO STICK, can we PLEASE move on from describing Edward and get to the actual story?

Sanity Meter: 76%

Edward gets up and walks away ... WITH SPARKLEPIRE SPEED!!! ZOMG OVERUSED!!! He stands in the shade of a tree and strikes an emo pose.

"I'm ... sorry ... Edward," I whispered. I knew he could hear.


I'm sorry that I put my nose all up in your mouth so I could creepily smell your breath. My mommy always tells me to stop doing that. Oh, FYI, I advise you not to fart in my presence.

After "ten incredibly long seconds," sparkledouche goes back to Bella and sits down. Gracefully, of course. He then smiles an apology for being a melodramatic pussy. Can you imagine if Bella described Edward doing something else mundane?

Bella: My heart stopped as I watched Edward gracefully place the toothbrush in his perfect mouth. He stroked with the brush, back and forth, like Michelangelo painting the Sistine Chapel. His elegant fingers teased the shaft of the brush, and the gentle movement of his cheeks as he brushed his molars made me go short of breath. He gently lowered his head and released a stream of foamy saliva into the sink, white like his perfect skin.

Almost makes you wonder how she'd describe him gargling.

Bella decides that now is the time for some false tension, so she thinks she's in danger for no explained reason. Edward then decides that now is the perfect time to remind the readers of how awesome he is.

"I'm the world's best predator, aren't I? Everything about me invites you in--my voice, my face, even my smell. As if I needed any of that!"


EEEW! I'm sorry, but the last thing I want to think about is Edward's inviting smells. Blegh! Also, way to be completely full of yourself, sparkledouche.

Edward shows off his awesomeness by running around the meadow ... WITH SPARKLEPIRE SPEED! "As if you could outrun me," he remarks. He then shows off his super strength by ripping off a tree branch and throwing it at another tree. "As if you could fight me off," he comments. Contradicting everything he's ever told Bella, she tells her not to be afraid ... directly after showing off his superpowers and making veiled threats. Way to set a girl at ease, asshole.

What really bothers me about this book is the wasted potential. There are so many opportunities for genuine conflict that go totally ignored. Take Edward's speech about being the perfect predator, for example. It could have become a major plot point, with Edward questioning whether Bella is truly in love with HIM as a person, or if she's merely infatuated with an illusion. Does Bella really see him for who he is, or has his perfect trap merely ensnared another prey?

The doubt he'd feel could have been a great source of character development, as Edward questions where he ends and the "perfect predator" begins. Instead we just get Edward showing off superpowers and Meyer trying to pass off brooding and whining as character growth.

Anyway, Edward sits back down--sinuously, of course--and apologizes for being disturbed by Bella sniffing his breath.

Wait ... what?

They go back to the topic of how scary Edward is, but Bella is too busy tracing the lines in Edward's palm with her fingertip to pay attention to the conversation. She describes his palm as iridescent, so apparently his palm is rainbow colored.

So let's add up all of these descriptions. Edward sparkles, his body produces a bright light, his arms are witty, and he displays numerous colors like that of a rainbow. I tried finding something that meets all of these descriptions with Google Image, and this is the closest I could find. Just add sparkles. My apologies to the artist for in any way linking his work with this piece of shit book, which already takes a big enough dump on Native Americans as it is.

Most of the absurdities with Edward's (many) descriptions are a result of Meyer not knowing how to use a god damn dictionary, but those same descriptions highlight a major flaw in Edward's character. It all goes back to the same complaint I've been making this entire time. Meyer is obsessed with painting Edward as this godly, larger-than-life character, but she never has him DO anything worthy of the lofty praise she heaps on him. So far all Edward has done is whine, be emo, threaten Bella, and generally act like a jerk, to say nothing of the stalking. We're not close to the end of the book and Edward has already committed crimes that would land anyone in the real world in jail. To think of his behavior as romantic is simply delusional.

You know, I think I finally figured out who Edward really is. Edward Cullen's real name ... is Okona.

For those of you who don't know, Okona is a character from an episode of Star Trek TNG, unfortunately titled "The Outrageous Okona." In that episode we are told an awful lot about this character. Here's an excerpt from the script.

PICARD
Counselor, can you read him?

TROI
His emotions suggest that he is
mischievous, irreverent and
somewhat brazen.
(beat)
And some other things...
(unsure)
The word that seems to describe
him best is "rogue."

DATA
Rogue? Accessing "rogue."
(kicks in)
Cad, knave, rake, rascal,
scoundrel, villain.

TROI
Yes, all of that, but he shows
no malevolence, or ill will.


Of course we see during the course of the episode that he is, in fact, none of those things. The episode tries its best to make him out to be some badass James Bond character who lives on the edge (Riker even gives an impromptu speech about how awesome he is), but the actual character is little more than a one-dimensional idiot who everyone adores for no apparent reason (sound familiar?). Instead of witty, his dialog is awkward. Instead of charming, his attempts to woo the ladies wouldn't even work on a total amnesiac who needs to be told what a penis is. Instead of funny, his jokes just make a little piece of you die on the inside.

It's the same thing here. Just like how the TNG episode focuses so much on EXPLAINING Okona to us that it forgets to actually have him act the part, Twilight relies so heavily on descriptions of Edward that the character as he's described and as he's portrayed are essentially two different people. It's also important to note that, in both cases, the fault isn't in the character concept. In the hands of a competent writer, both Okona and Edward could have been really good characters. The problem is, well, how do I put this gently ... THE WRITERS ARE FRIGGEN MORONS!

Back to the book. To my complete and utter surprise, Bella seems to acknowledge that she may be a little too into Edward. This causes Edward to crank the emo meter up to eleven and go on about how she shouldn't want him and he should leave and blah blah blah. Then we come to this interesting bit. If you think that I'm judging Edward too harshly, take a look at this:

"I don't want you to leave," I mumbled pathetically, staring down again.
"Which is exactly why I should. But don't worry. I'm essentially a selfish creature. I crave your company too much to do what I should."


There! Straight from the asshole's mouth! He outright admits that the only reason he keeps stalking Bella is pure selfishness. You know what's worse? This isn't even the first time he's admitted this. Back in Chapter Five he specifically told Bella that he "got tired" of avoiding her and was just going to do whatever he wanted. In other words he endangers Bella's life ... BECAUSE HE'S LAZY! I went over that part in the summary for that chapter, so read it to get the full "Edward is a selfish prick" experience.

Edward Cullen, there is not a word in the English language that can accurately describe just how big of an asshole you are. (+1 Bad Boyfriend)

This also makes Edward a hypocrite when you consider what he said to Bella in chapter ten.

"Don't you see? That's what proves me right. I care the most, because I can do it"--he shook his head, seeming to struggle with the thought--"if leaving is the right thing to do, then I'll hurt myself to keep from hurting you, to keep you safe."


And he follows that, three chapters later, with this:

"... I'm essentially a selfish creature. I crave your company too much to do what I should."


A real class act, he is. Just look at how he so nobly goes back on his word and places Bella's life in danger just because he's selfish. Oh, and if you're thinking that this is supposed to be foreshadowing for New Moon, it's worth noting that New Moon hadn't even been conceived of while Twilight was being written. This is just Meyer being a terrible writer. Edward's actions are proof positive that he doesn't give a shit about Bella. Edward is just doing what's best for Edward, and to Hell with everything else. That he is also risking the safety of his family, as we learned in chapter twelve, only compounds his selfishness.

Edward immediately scolds Bella for reacting positively to his statement, preaching once again that he is dangerous. This time even Bella comments on his sudden mood swings ... after she's finished having an orgasm over his voice, which is apparently "more beautiful than any human voice." Ugh!

Let's go over this, shall we? In Edward's own words, he is too selfish to leave Bella alone. Even if Bella were to follow his advice to the letter and actively avoid him, he'd just keep stalking her anyway. Edward also went out of his way to demonstrate that Bella can neither escape him nor defend herself from him. Where does this leave Bella? Shit out of luck, that's where!

Edward's constant preaching to Bella is emotional manipulation, plain and simple. By constantly harping on how dangerous he is, he is making it out as if it'd be Bella's fault if he ever ended up murdering her, because that'd mean she'd failed to heed his warnings, while leaving himself completely blameless. This is, emotionally and potentially physically, an example of Why Did You Make Me Hit You.

Any normal person exhibiting this behavior would either a) receive a lot of restraining orders, b) find someone just as nutty as he, or c) meet someone who is weak enough to accept his abusive behavior (and maybe even think that she deserves it). The latter two cases would result in an unhealthy relationship based on power and abuse. Woe to any children born into such a house.

Edward's behavior pattern is not that of a person in love, it is the behavior of a stalker. His "need" to be with Bella is not a sign of being "in love," it is merely an unhealthy obsession. In John D. Moore's book, Confusing Love with Obsession, he describes a wheel of obsession with multiple phases. Judging by what I've seen of Bella and Edward so far, I would say they're at the first phase: the attraction phase.

An instant attraction to romantic interest, usually occurring within the first few minutes of meeting.


Bella and Edward. So much!

An immediate urge to rush into a relationship regardless of compatibility.


Exactly how long had Bella been around Edward before declaring her "unconditional and irrevocable" love for him, without so much as knowing what his hobbies are?

Becoming "hooked on the look" of another, focusing on the person's physical characteristics while ignoring personality differences.


The only way anyone could NOT notice this behavior in Bella is if he/she never reads the book, is illiterate, is comatose, or is named Stephanie Meyer.

Unrealistic fantasies about a relationship with a love interest, assigning "magical" qualities to an object of affection.


Bella ... so ... much! I mean, seriously. I've named so many examples in this blog that it would take me too long to list them here.

The beginnings of obsessive, controlling behaviors begin to manifest.


Edward dragging Bella forcefully to his car and threatening her until she got in. Edward stalking her across towns. Edward breaking into Bella's bedroom at night to watch her sleep. Edward breaking into Bella's house to go through her dirty laundry for her keys. Edward developing a jealous dislike of Mike because he also likes Bella. Edward generally ignoring Bella's wishes and ordering her about. Bella becoming upset with Edward whenever he doesn't show up for school on a sunny day (even after learning of his vampirism). Bella idolizing Edward to divine levels, based on nothing but his looks.

But I digress.

Bella asks Edward to explain himself. He makes a food analogy, which turns into a drawn out alcohol analogy in which he compares Bella to the finest 100 year-old brandy in existence (not Mary Sue-ish at all!). He says that an alcoholic would be extremely tempted by that, which only proves that Meyer has never actually seen an alcoholic. It doesn't matter if the brandy is a century-old treasure or something picked up at the local liquor store with pocket money. A booze fiend would go for either equally. This is because ... get this ... THEY'RE ALCOHOLICS! They're after the ALCOHOL to get DRUNK, not to daintily sip with their pinkies in the air and comment on the bouquet. It doesn't matter if what they drink is fancy or cheap, it gives them the same buzz either way.

Deciding that the century-old brandy comparison didn't do Bella justice (coughMarySuecough), he shifts it to a drug analogy (because heroin is so much more dignified than brandy) and then ... *sigh*

Yeah, you know what's coming next.

"Yes, you are exactly my brand of heroin."


Oh ... my ... God ...

Sanity Meter: 53%

I hear it's amazing when the famous purple stuffed worm in flap-jaw space with the tuning fork does a raw blink on Hari-Kiri rock! I NEED SCISSORS! 61!

Um ... what? Did I just say something? I blacked out there for a second.

Anyway, do I even need to point out how messed up that comparison is? Obviously I do, since there are plenty of people who insist that this is one of the greatest romances ever told while completely ignoring disturbing crap like this. Seriously, what was Meyer thinking? Was she even thinking at all when she wrote this? That is just an awful example to give to the impressionable young girls who are this book's target audience. Don't know what heroin is, Little Lucy 13 year-old? After reading Twilight and doing a Google search, now you know! Better save up that lunch money for your first dime bag. (+1 Stupidity)

Oh, and if you think I may be overreacting and that one little mention in a book can't possibly have any real-life consequences, consider the Twilight-themed heroin bags that became popular in 2009.

The heroin analogy, unfortunate implications aside, is actually an apt description of their "relationship," just not in the way that Meyer imagined. Drug abuse is a serious problem that can cause people to do stupid and reckless things. It is unhealthy and destructive, and the best thing an addict can do is seek help. That is Edward and Bella's "relationship" in a nutshell.

If Edward's heroin analogy is to be taken seriously, then it amazes me that he doesn't realize that he's not really in love with Bella. All of his analogies--food, alcohol, drugs--are about her blood. Bella's blood is his ice cream, his cognac, his heroin. He's not in love with Bella, he's in love with her blood. She is just a meat puppet to him. He keeps following her everywhere and is too "selfish" to leave her alone because he really wants to drink her blood. A drug addict doesn't "love" his dealer, he loves the product.

Twilight: you know it's true love when your attraction is likened to the junkie selling back alley blowjobs to support his habit.

Edward belabors the point as he further explains how his brothers reacted to people who's blood was addictive to them, namely Emmett. He then states that, in his century or so of un-life, he has never encountered a human being who's blood was as appealing to him as Bella's. *coughMarySuecough*

Bella asks about Emmett, which causes Edward to go emo again. He says that even the strongest vampire can "fall off the wagon," in reference to how each time Emmett encountered people with appealing blood he had ended up murdering them.

"I mean, is there no hope, then?" How calmly I could discuss my own death!


Remember kiddies, it's okay to have a boyfriend who may murder you as long as he's pretty. If he's ugly, call the police because that would be totally creepy. Seriously, how dumb is this girl? (+1 Stupidity)

Bella: Oh Edward, have I told you how beautiful and god-like you are?
Edward: Yes, you did ... ten seconds ago.
Bella: Being with you is like a dream!
Edward: I eat people.
Bella: You are so handsome, like a supermodel!
Edward: I could very easily kill you at any time.
Bella: Your breath smells like Heaven!
Edward: Every second in your presence is literally a struggle to keep myself from tearing your throat open and feasting on your blood.
Bella: Your muscles are so perfect!
Edward: Read my lips: I ... WILL ... KILL YOU!
Bella: You're like a Greek god!
Edward: Are you even listening?
Bella: Ooh, sparkles!

Contradicting what he said earlier, Edward states that he could NEVER slip like Emmett did twice. Those people were strangers, he says. Wait, so that somehow makes it okay? Also, how long have Bella and Edward been seeing each other? Not bloody long! He also says that it happened a long time ago and that Emmett is more practiced now. Good for him, but what does this have to do with EDWARD'S bloodlust? He's the one in danger of "falling off the wagon," not Emmett. Since this is his first time, that's even more cause for concern!

Even if Emmett is wiser from his experience, it still took him two grisly murders to reach that point. Also, unless he meets someone else with addictive blood there is no way to tell whether he really can restrain himself now. For all we know he could end up doing it again, yet Edward claims that he can accomplish what Emmett cannot? Is he saying he's better than him? Also, Edward just finished saying that even the strongest vampire can slip, and yet he claims that he won't. Is he implying that he is stronger than the strongest vampire? Can he BE any more arrogant? (+1 Stupidity)

Wow. I really have to give Meyer credit here. This chapter actually manages to get worse each time I look at it, as if there were layers of crap that were too subtle to be picked up the first time. No, that's not quite right; nothing about this book is subtle. It's more like there was so much crap when I first read this chapter that it distracted me from the other crap. Each time I think that Meyer's writing couldn't get worse, she manages to find new ways to lower my expectations yet again.

This book is, in fact, so bad that not even Candlejack would touch it with a

29 comments:

Gabby said...

HAHA brilliant! I was laughing my arse off at this! Boy, you sure know how to pick apart and examine the multiple layers of crap packed into this book and then actually have the strength to draw humor from said crap. Man, I feel for you. Just reading the description of this godawful repetitive nonsense I can feel the pain you must go through reading and analyzing this crap fest. Seriously, how is this book SO popular? How do people tolerate pages and pages of descriptions of Edward's incandescent, scintillating, marble-like Adonis body without going mad???

Rikku Rebeca said...

Y'know I actually don't remember this chapter. I skimmed through it then probably blocked it out of my mind completely :P

But this was brilliant!

Erin said...

Twilight book: $19.99
Desk to hit head with: $150.00
Your commentary to remind us there are still smart, sane people left in the world: priceless.

TheUnbeholden said...

"Next we have Edward's arms, which are described as scintillating. Wow! Not only is Edward's chest emitting a bright light, his arms are witty as well!"


http://www.thefreedictionary.com/scintillating
scintillating [ˈsɪntɪˌleɪtɪŋ]
adj
1. sparkling; twinkling
2. animated or brilliant
scintillatingly adv

"threaten Bella"

I don't think he ever threatened her, but warned her. Probably cause he knows she doesn't know who he really is.

"There! Straight from the asshole's mouth! He outright admits that the only reason he keeps stalking Bella is pure selfishness. You know what's worse? This isn't even the first time he's admitted this. Back in Chapter Five he specifically told Bella that he "got tired" of avoiding her and was just going to do whatever he wanted. In other words he endangers Bella's life "

I think you lost credibility for saying this.
I don't think you seem to understand that every vampire in the history of fictional literature is selfish. To take human life to further your own is pure selfishness. And Edward is no exception, sure he drinks from animals but regardless, a century on his own can make someone so desperate that they would go to the lengths of the earth to find someone compatible with them, a soul mate even, so they can have companion.

"Edward's behavior pattern is not that of a person in love, it is the behavior of a stalker."

Vampires are naturally stalkers, so he could be in love. I mean are you really going to question whether or not Edwards in love? eventhough hes a 100+ year old vampire?

"Edward claims that he can accomplish what Emmett cannot? Is he saying he's better than him?"

Edward might have stronger will power. Vampires, like people, differ in personality. But there is still a good chance he could kill Bella, but unfortunately this is just the chance he has to take which brings me back to my point. Every single vampire novel, where a vampire gets involved with a human being knows the risks involved, every vampire is selfish no questions asked. To say Edward is an asshole is a bit of leap forward though.

avidtex said...

nice! probably will be better once they leave the ridiculous meadow... can't wait!!
looking forward to part 2, I love to laugh

Angel Mathew Leamsy said...

"I don't think you seem to understand that every vampire in the history of fictional literature is selfish. To take human life to further your own is pure selfishness"

I don't think you seem to understand the law of food chain. If vampires were an actual breed they wouldn't be taking the blood out of other living creatures because "ooh, they seem tasty", but rather because they have to feed. And if you're going to talk about fictional vampires, before this so called bestseller, vampires didn't wear body glitter and whine about how horrible they are when they have the perfect effin life. Specially not when the claim to me 107 years old. And Edward does have a perfect life. I could make an essay about how many things are adjusted just so he can stop crying in the corner.

adelea said...

Just wanted to say, that i'm a big fan of yours.
Please, keep writing, can't wait for the next part.!
This review is BRILLIANT.
!!!

Alicia said...

I FUCKING love this blog. It's so good to know that there is someone else out there who loathes this piece of shit book as much as I do. It sickens me that such a disgrace to the art of writing was published at all, let alone adored by so many people.

Amanda said...

Can't wait for you to update again!!!

The Twilight Snarker said...

Part 2 is currently being edited and will be available soon.

The Twilight Snarker said...

@TheUnbeholden

To begin I would like to apologize for not responding to your posts before now. I also wish to thank you for reading my blog and considering it worth the effort of a response. Even if you disagree, I hope you found at least some parts entertaining. :)

Now for the reply:

"Scintillating (definition snipped)"

When looking up words I cross-reference with 3 different dictionaries. Unfortunately, thefreedictionary is not one of them. Thank you for the correction.

"I don't think he ever threatened her, but warned her. Probably cause he knows she doesn't know who he really is."

He has threatened her in the past. In the Parking Lot incident, for example, Bella even describes Edward's behavior as a threat, using the actual word "threat" in the text of the book. That is merely one example.

"I don't think you seem to understand that every vampire in the history of fictional literature is selfish. To take human life to further your own is pure selfishness."

As another commenter pointed out, that is survival and not selfishness, in the same way that taking the lives of plants and animals is an act of survival by us humans.

"And Edward is no exception, sure he drinks from animals but regardless, a century on his own can make someone so desperate that they would go to the lengths of the earth to find someone compatible with them, a soul mate even, so they can have companion."

What you seem to be missing here is the fact that selfishness is subject to gradation.

For example: I ate the last yogurt in the fridge this morning, knowing someone else wanted it. That was a little selfish. Contracting HIV and insisting on having unprotected sex with someone because I "love" that person would be decidedly more selfish than eating the last yogurt.

In Edward's case, you are equating KILLING SOMEONE with eating the last yogurt, two very different grades of selfishness. Last yogurt eating is relatable; we've all been there. Murder ... not so much.

"... a century on his own can make someone so desperate that they would go to the lengths of the earth to find someone compatible with them, a soul mate even, so they can have companion."

And that would justify murder? I'm sure that line you wrote sounds romantic in your head, but remember what you are referring to. That he sticks with Bella out of desperation makes him more selfish, not less, as it is saying that his needs are the ones that take priority; whether Bella lives or dies does not.

"Vampires are naturally stalkers, so he could be in love. I mean are you really going to question whether or not Edwards in love? eventhough hes a 100+ year old vampire?"

You refer to a different kind of stalking. There is the kind of stalking used in hunting, to catch an animal unawares so you can kill it and put food on your table to feed your family, and then there is breaking into people's houses without their consent or knowledge to watch them sleep.

Vampires are natural stalkers, but of the hunting variety. That does not translate into social stalking, which is what he's doing in this book.

Edward was human before he was vampire, and he's lived in human society, much of that time spent in the social arena of high school, for the past century. He has no excuse not to know that what he is doing is wrong, so the "but he's a vampire" angle doesn't fly here. So yes, I do question if Edward is really in love, because he sure doesn't act like it.

The Twilight Snarker said...

@TheUnbeholden

To address your last point, Edward is an even bigger asshole than other vamps in similar situations, and I will tell you why.

Other vampires go through character growth, struggle with the moral ramifications of what their romance would involve, perhaps even suffer a crisis of conscience as a result of their soul-searching. We see them grow as people and change to the point where they're finally ready to take on the responsibility that comes with loving a human.

Granted such stories do not ALWAYS work this way, but at least the issue is addressed in some shape or form and we get a better excuse than Edward's "I'm just selfish."

Edward just sticks with Bella because he feels like it. He does not question his actions, nor does he even stop to think. He does the opposite of questioning his actions; he just blames Bella. He's the one doing the stalking, but it's Bella's fault for not heeding his "warnings." Bella had actually done a good job of avoiding Edward until HE pushed himself on her, as I covered in chapter five.

His "I'm selfish" comments makes him an even bigger asshole because he KNOWS he could end up murdering Bella. He acknowledges and accepts this, while at the same time making no effort to address this issue. To quote Edward exactly (from Chapter 5), "Yes--giving up trying to be good. I'm just going to do what I want now, and let the chips fall where they may."

He just "gave up" on "trying to be good." He KNOWS he's doing wrong, but he does it anyway out of selfishness. He's going to "let the chips fall where they may," and considering that the chips that would fall would be comprised of Bella's body parts, that is hardly an endearing attitude. THAT is the crucial difference. Other vampires grow and develop over the course of the story; Edward does neither. He just "gives up." That is not noble, that is lazy. He literally endangers Bella's life because he's lazy. That makes him an asshole no matter how often Meyer lovingly describes his topaz eyes.

V said...

I absolutely love your commentary on Twilight. Meyer should really consider reading Flying Fingers by Adora Svitak. A book written by a seven year old on 'how to write'.

SEVEN YEARS OLD!

That just proves that even children can write better than her.

Ceca Mire said...

Wow, I'm actually not a year late on this one XD
Can't wait for your update!

Big Bad Blog Writer said...

This is the best blog I've ever seen. Can't wait for the next installment!

The Tempted Critic said...

Oh, wow. This is brilliant! Can't wait for the next posts.

TheUnbeholden said...

Thank you for responding, I figured you rarely read the comments, probably cause there are so few, everyone goes to the twilightsucks.com forums.

[quote]He has threatened her in the past. In the Parking Lot incident, for example, Bella even describes Edward's behavior as a threat, using the actual word "threat" in the text of the book. That is merely one example.[/quote]

Oh yes I forgot about that. He does seem to be very dominating and oppressive in this part of the book. Perhaps from his perspective he believes good will come out of it (which is what end up happening, she ends up trusting him because of the ride and not that moment in the parking lot). Either way I do believe he was being to dominant. Does that mean he was being selfish? Yes, he was making the decision for her in this instance. So its a valid point. But...


[quote]And that would justify murder? I'm sure that line you wrote sounds romantic in your head, but remember what you are referring to. That he sticks with Bella out of desperation makes him more selfish, not less, as it is saying that his needs are the ones that take priority; whether Bella lives or dies does not.[/quote]


I'm not justifying murder, I'm just saying you should put yourself into his shoes. If we where in his position we would probably end up doing the same thing eventually. We can't keep our emotions bottled up inside of us forever, we have to do everything we possibly can in order to get what we want while at the same time minimizing the chance of the possible bad things that may result from it. Edward says that he specially goes out every morning to gorge himself on animal blood so that he quenches his thirst before being around Bella. Slowly he believes that he will grow accustomed to her while being in this state. Perhaps gain some measure of self control. This is not selfish, quite the opposite (but then again you would probably say that he doesn't want to kill her for selfish reasons because he wants her company). I think what you said describes it best "If someone has already made up his/her mind it will be very difficult (depending on the person, even impossible) to sway that person."


[quote]You refer to a different kind of stalking. There is the kind of stalking used in hunting, to catch an animal unawares so you can kill it and put food on your table to feed your family, and then there is breaking into people's houses without their consent or knowledge to watch them sleep.

Vampires are natural stalkers, but of the hunting variety. That does not translate into social stalking, which is what he's doing in this book.[/quote]


Hunting stalking can easily translate into social stalking. In Vampire Diaries, by L.G.Smith, Stephen Salvatore is a vampire that stalks Elena and finds out everything about her. Only till later does he end up enlisting into the highschool she goes to and hes even in one of her classes, finally speaks to when bumping into her at school. They end up becoming lovers, and good couple. In Anne Rices novel, Memnoch the Devil, Lestat is a extravagant vampire that social stalks Dora, a young women televangelist, who sings and dances on TV to praise the lord and spread his teachings. Lestat said quite specifically, he would never harm her. another quote it that he finds human beings curious, like a human being would find ants curious. He studies them, and finds the objects decorated in their homes, the idiosyncratic qualities fascinating. Basically what I'm saying is Hunting stalking can easily turn into social stalking, its a natural transition.

TheUnbeholden said...

[QUOTE]Other vampires go through character growth, struggle with the moral ramifications of what their romance would involve, perhaps even suffer a crisis of conscience as a result of their soul-searching. We see them grow as people and change to the point where they're finally ready to take on the responsibility that comes with loving a human.

Granted such stories do not ALWAYS work this way, but at least the issue is addressed in some shape or form and we get a better excuse than Edward's "I'm just selfish."

Edward just sticks with Bella because he feels like it. He does not question his actions, nor does he even stop to think. He does the opposite of questioning his actions; he just blames Bella. He's the one doing the stalking, but it's Bella's fault for not heeding his "warnings." Bella had actually done a good job of avoiding Edward until HE pushed himself on her, as I covered in chapter five.[/QUOTE]

We don't know this. We don't know what Edward is thinking, or the inner turmoil he goes through, or anything about his perspective of things. Not until Stephenie Meyer decides to finish and release Midnight Sun. Only then can we know about what he went through. You only took a guess at this from his one line. (and that would be a pretty interesting read because a book about a vampire would have to be a pretty dam good piece of writing, alot of people doubt whether or not Stephenie Meyer has that in her, well she has recently released the vampire novel entitled 'The Short Life of Bree Tanner: An Eclipse Novella', but she is a newly formed vampire so that doesn't count.)

TheUnbeholden said...

@Angel Mathew Leamsy

[quote]Vampires didn't wear body glitter and whine about how horrible they are when they have the perfect effin life. Specially not when the claim to me 107 years old. And Edward does have a perfect life. I could make an essay about how many things are adjusted just so he can stop crying in the corner. [/Quote]

It does seem like he has the perfect life, but then again alot of people say that Famous actors have the perfect life, but the truth is far from it. Just because someone 'seems' to have a perfect life, doesn't mean they do.
The Truth could be far from it.
Famous actors can suffer from severe axiety, depression, overworked and lots of failed relationships due to much traveling and not much time for anything else.
For all we know Edward could be suffering from unbearable loneliness, a century without a companion. Who knows, we await midnight sun.

Ceca Mire said...

@ The Unbeholden:
For all we know Edward could be suffering from unbearable loneliness, a century without a companion. Who knows, we await midnight sun.
...so? If he really loved her, he'd stay away from Bella. Also, why would he be lonely? He has his family, with whom he seems to get along fine.

The Twilight Snarker said...

@TheUnbeholden

"Perhaps from his perspective he believes good will come out of it (which is what end up happening, she ends up trusting him because of the ride and not that moment in the parking lot)."

We must not be reading the same book. Bella merely forgot the slight once she realized that they both *gasp* listen to the same kind of music! It was a cheap cop-out due to sloppy writing.

"I'm just saying you should put yourself into his shoes. If we where in his position we would probably end up doing the same thing eventually."

In an earlier comment you said that different people have different personalities, and now you're saying that we'd all do the same thing? There are people who would get involved with a girl if it meant they'd kill them. In our society we call those people sociopaths and we lock them in prison.

"We can't keep our emotions bottled up inside of us forever, we have to do everything we possibly can in order to get what we want while at the same time minimizing the chance of the possible bad things that may result from it."

I do not believe that people are powerless over themselves, nor do I think that just because they feel a certain way automatically gives them the right to act on those feelings. Let's assume, for the sake of argument, that I would do the same thing. It would STILL be wrong. If I killed another person in the exact situation as Edward I would STILL be a criminal deserving of punishment. Why? Because it does not matter how I feel in that situation. It does not matter if I genuinely loved that person, the moment that person's life is taken I am officially the scum of the Earth.

Crimes of passion are often done by people who love each other, but you will not find a court that will dismiss such a case because "oh, we can't expect him to bottle up his feelings."

Saying that Edward shouldn't bottle up his feelings is just an excuse, a claim that he should not be held accountable for his own actions. Nothing could be further from the truth. Knowingly endangering the life of another person for his own gain makes him an asshole, and a sob story doesn't negate the severity of his actions.

"I think what you said describes it best "If someone has already made up his/her mind it will be very difficult (depending on the person, even impossible) to sway that person."

Correct, but that is not to be used as an excuse to slam the door on rational discourse. Even if we never agree on the subject, discussing it may increase our mutual understanding of the other person's view.

"Basically what I'm saying is Hunting stalking can easily turn into social stalking, its a natural transition."

I'm sorry, but they do not. Stalking, as defined in Webster's dictionary:

2 : to go through (an area) in search of prey or quarry

3 : to pursue obsessively and to the point of harassment

You are essentially saying that definition 2 is the same as definition 3. They are not the same thing by a long shot, nor do they translate into each other.

Sending your ex-girlfriend repeated e-mails and voice mail messages and following her wherever she goes is social stalking. That doesn't mean that the person from this example would be able to hunt deer in the woods.

The Twilight Snarker said...

@TheUnbeholden

"We don't know this. We don't know what Edward is thinking, or the inner turmoil he goes through, or anything about his perspective of things. Not until Stephenie Meyer decides to finish and release Midnight Sun. Only then can we know about what he went through. You only took a guess at this from his one line."

First off, it can be seen throughout my chapter summaries that I judge Edward based on his actions as well as his words. I did not suddenly go from zero to hate based on a single line of dialog.

Secondly, that Edward is not the POV character does not excuse his lack of character development. That is bad writing on Meyer's part. It is the job of the author to develop her characters within the confines of the book. If we actually have to wait for a re-telling of the book written from his perspective to understand him as a person, that is a failure on Meyer's part.

Lastly, as readers we observe characters and gain an understanding of them through a variety of factors such as their words, actions, body language, etc. That is how stories are able to have well-rounded and developed characters even if we never enter said character's perspective. Do not make excuses for Meyer's sloppiness and cite it as evidence in Edward's defense. If Edward truly is the kind, caring, soulful person you imagine him to be, it should be made apparent in the books through his words and deeds.

If Edward says "I'm selfish" and I conclude that he's selfish that is not a guess. The man said so himself. Furthermore, his previous actions support this conclusion. It is an observation based on empirical evidence. I cite direct quotes from the book and explain my reasons based on what has been observed. That is far from a random guess.

If you still think that I judge him selfish based solely on his words in this chapter, I would direct to my observations of Jessica and Lauren. In both cases I contradicted Meyer on the characters' personalities because how they were described differed so much from how they behaved in the actual story. This, also, further highlights Meyer's overall sloppiness as a writer.

I have even stated in this very post that I don't think Edward is a bad character conceptually. I even said that he could be a really good character. It is Meyer's poor handling of the story that makes him so unlikable in my eyes. If Meyer cut out 80% of the descriptions of Edward's physical appearance and instead used that paper to actually develop her characters and introduce a decent plot I would probably be right along with you loving this book. As it stands, this book comes off as mental masturbation.

Personally I think you can do better than Meyer. Anne Rice, Richelle Reed, Charlaine Harris: these are authors worthy of your devotion (alright, maybe not Anne Rice after her little breakdown). Heck, Twilight is basically a knock-off of the Sookie Stackhouse series. All I'm saying is that there are more talented writers who have written better stories than Meyer who could use fans like you.

TheUnbeholden said...

[quote=Twilight Snarker]

"2 : to go through (an area) in search of prey or quarry

3 : to pursue obsessively and to the point of harassment"

Thats a definition referring to mortals. For a immortal the definition would be different.

Social stalking for a vampire is different, Its observation stalking. I'm saying that its a natural transition for a vampire.

4 : To learn about some, and study them without their knowledge of your presence.

Vampires are observer stalkers, only until a vampire knows that person well enough will they make a move. If a vampire gets to know someone they can make a decision to use them as food, or a as a companion. If the person is evil then a vampire usually can't resist to use them as food.

I wouldn't call it obsessive, but I would call it making dam sure that the person is close to their ideal, I made 2 examples of vampires from other book series, Lestat from Anne Rice, and Stephen Salvatore from Vampire Diaries. Your move.

"In an earlier comment you said that different people have different personalities, and now you're saying that we'd all do the same thing?"

Indeed we would all end up eventually doing to the same thing, giving in to our emotions. People do have different personalities have varying degrees of will power, a stronger will power would definitely be able to resist for alot longer, perhaps for ages, but I think we would all

"Let's assume, for the sake of argument, that I would do the same thing. It would STILL be wrong. If I killed another person in the exact situation as Edward I would STILL be a criminal deserving of punishment. Why? Because it does not matter how I feel in that situation. It does not matter if I genuinely loved that person, the moment that person's life is taken I am officially the scum of the Earth."

I wouldn't call it "Edward being an asshole", I would call it "Edward being human" by giving in to emotion. Its not his fault he is a blood thirsty hunter, he was made into a vampire and wasn't given a choice in the matter.

"Let's assume, for the sake of argument, that I would do the same thing. It would STILL be wrong. If I killed another person in the exact situation as Edward I would STILL be a criminal deserving of punishment. Why? Because it does not matter how I feel in that situation. It does not matter if I genuinely loved that person, the moment that person's life is taken I am officially the scum of the Earth."

Depends on whether you think its wrong. Morality is just a point of view. There are different degrees of it. Killing someone, and potentially killing someone are 2 different things. In Edwards view, the potential is minimized due to the fact that he gets gorged on animal blood before being around Bella. Therefore he believes its just in his scope of morality. But definitely questionable, as you have so proved.

"Crimes of passion are often done by people who love each other, but you will not find a court that will dismiss such a case because "oh, we can't expect him to bottle up his feelings."

Exactly, that proves my point. Thats why so many people are in jail, they couldn't resist against their emotions, they couldn't keep it bottle up inside forever. Its human nature that is flawed. That is a fact.

"Secondly, that Edward is not the POV character does not excuse his lack of character development. That is bad writing on Meyer's part."

Oh don't get me wrong, I agree.

I expected a lot of depth, and got very little.

But I have got more out of the book then you have. But as you said, I have made guesses to because Meyer simply has written very little content but I'm trying my best to get something out it. The key difference between you and me, is that your in pain reading it, and I'm not.

"Richelle Reed, Charlaine Harris"

I will check them out, still haven't finished Vampire Diaries or Anne Rices Vampire Chronicles yet.

TheUnbeholden said...

Oh its Richelle Mead... not reed.
Vampire Academy novels.

So Charlaine Harris is the author of True Blood, thanks for that.

The Twilight Snarker said...

Where did I get Reed from? Weird. Guess it was a brain fart. Charlaine Harris is the author of the Sookie Stackhouse series, on which True Blood is based.

One bit of trivia for you. The plots, at least between the first few books, are so similar between Sookie Stackhouse and Twilight that Harris has been accused of ripping off Meyer. Turns out, though, that the first Sookie Stackhouse novel was published a few years BEFORE Twilight. If anything, it's the other way around.

I would definitely recommend the series to a Twilight fan. I habitually describe it as "Twilight done better."

Jenchilla said...

"Mental" masturbation? Haha. Twilight is just plain out-and-out masturbation.

RachAEL said...

Fission Mailed, Meyer. People are having huge comment-debates over your STUPID BOOK.
haha but I'm glad you two worked it out :)

Personally I enjoyed the Mortal Instruments series by Cassandra Claire. I don't know what the twilghtsnarker would say about it, but I just enjoy a good story...one that of which Twilight was not, since nothing happened.

Kyuubi said...

@TheUnbeholden

/But I have got more out of the book then you have. But as you said, I have made guesses to because Meyer simply has written very little content but I'm trying my best to get something out it. /

Exactly. This is where you can tell Meyer is a shitty writer. If she were half as good as she claimed she was (she compares herself to Shakespeare, Austen, the Bronte sisters, and others call her the "American JK Rowling?" WTF??), you wouldn't need to guess, and you wouldn't have to try to get something out of it, that would just happen naturally.

It seems the main point of contention you seem to have isn't whether Meyer should be banned from writing for life (if there was a God, this would have happened already), but more over how harmful the Twilight series can be to 12, 13-year-old girls who are just starting to enter into romantic relationships. Would that be more fair to say?

C. C. Macbay said...

@TheUnbeholden
/ I wouldn't call it "Edward being an asshole", I would call it "Edward being human" by giving in to emotion. /
The entire Twilight series is based on the fact that he ISN'T human. He's a vampire. The fact that he was once human is overshadowed by the fact that he is no longer human. His human life is over. He has no right--no excuse--to behave like a human. He's a (poor rendition of a) vampire. You're making excuses for his behaviour because you believe his 'human-ness' excuses it, but at his core he is not human. He's a vampire, and should behave as such. According to New Moon, vampires have laws and rules that govern how they should act and Edward seems to be breaking nearly every one of them by just being with Bella. That's selfish. You know why? Because if Meyer-land followed its own rules and he were caught, his family would be punished right alongside him. His selfish acts puts in danger the (undead) lives of his (adopted) family. Unfortunately, Meyer-land loves Mary and Gary Stu so Edward is not punished. And everyone gets what they want without trying and they all live happily ever after. Yadda yadda yadda.

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